“My contribution to birth control.”

#20 – “My contribution to birth control.”
By Kurt Hunzeker (with some copy points provided by the movie Tango & Cash)

After a bit of a break to tend to other projects, I am back and firing movie quotes every which way while examining the world of Sparts Marketing. This summer has seen an influx of excellent ideas (MLB’s continued use of prominent designers to create excellent All-Star Game logos) and a wealth of redundant collegiate logos (too many to list; anyone who uses free fonts now resides in Dante’s third circle of hell) and further expansion of the dreaded ABA team logo.

But the Sparts Marketing Blography is more than just an analysis of sports brand identities. Sparts Marketing also encompasses the creative ideas in the marketplace today, or maybe some ideas that need to see the light of day.

With the latter in mind, I am enhancing the “If I Was In Charge” series within the SMB to actually place myself in the shoes of an actual team, league or sponsor and rattle off ideas of what I would do if given the chance to market their products without much regard to a budget. (I promise to be at least cognizant of some monetary limitations.)

As always, I will let the quotes of some of the silver screen’s best outline each column. So it’s time to get FUBAR….

“My contribution to birth control.”

I am the NBA’s Director of Events; specifically focused on next year’s All-Star Game in Las Vegas. Browse through the other columns and you will quickly find out that I am a big fan of Sin City. As a fan, I couldn’t be happier that the Association chose Vegas to showcase its best players. But as the NBA’s Director of Events, I am scared to death and have already stopped sleeping well…more than six months before All-Star Week begins.

Tango’s slick move of placing a grenade down a guy’s pants, thus his “contribution to birth control,” is not that bad of an idea for me leading up to this week. The combination of NBA players (and don’t think for a minute that non-All Stars won’t show up, because they will) and Vegas’s “What Happens Here, Stays Here?” mantra will keep the NBA’s PR department on Code Red all weekend long.

One of the first items I would concentrate on would be to strengthen and expand the PR department. A Molotov cocktail is just ready to explode if something bad happens. I want the best and the brightest working on worst-case scenarios now…just in case. I want brochures and videos sent to teams prior to the Break letting them know of the pitfalls associated with the unsavory types that will flock to Vegas to party with and possibly take advantage of multi-million dollar athletes. Sex, drugs, booze, sex, drugs, sex, sex and sex.

To combat this, I am putting the Maloofs in charge of “Awareness and Prevention.” They are well-respected, they know the city and they won’t screw this weekend up…Las Vegas is their de facto city.

Cash: “I don’t know about you, but I have an aversion to getting F.U.B.A.R….”
Tango: “What’s F.U.B.A.R.?”
Cash: “Fucked-Up Beyond All Recognition.”

The movie’s classic quote also encompasses what I’m feeling about everything regarding this week. As mentioned, I’m leery that this weekend could set the record for most conceptions within a 2-mile radius over three days. What else could go wrong? Hmmm….

1) The allocation and sale of tickets for the rather small Thomas & Mack Center.

2) The allocation of hotel rooms for All-Stars, league sponsors, team executives, etc. This has nightmare written all over it because anyone who’s been to Vegas knows which hotels are the hot spots (MGM, Mandalay, Palms, Wynn, Bellagio) and which ones are too “old school” (anything downtown) or too far down on The Strip (Sahara, Hilton).

3) The influx of socialites (both Hollywood and Joe/Jane Schmoe looking for a good time) will just wreak havoc on the players’ NBA-mandated schedules. These players will have to meet with our big league sponsors; not just gear up for the Maxim, Playboy and every other men’s magazine that will set up shop in Las Vegas that weekend.

4) The complete lack of kids to market to this week. This is so important, it needs its own quote….

Tango: “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
Cash: “What’s the bad news?”
Tango: “We’re almost out of gas.”
Cash: “What’s the good news?”
Tango: “We’re ALMOST out of gas.”

Good news: The NBA is branching out to new cities, and one of the most exciting cities in the world. Bad news: No parent will allow their kids within 100 miles of Las Vegas.

Consider the Jam Session…it NEEDS kids to make it successful. How many adults will play in the Cartoon Network area? Will Jr. NBA and Jr. WNBA clinics have enough kids for a full squad?

This is a serious problem. In previous years, parents who could not get tickets for All-Star Games in Los Angeles, Denver and Houston would take their kids to the Jam Session and spend a full day “experiencing the NBA.” In Las Vegas, that plan is obsolete.

I propose focusing entirely on the 21+ crowd. Concentrate all efforts on winning over the casual fan that can really spend some money with the Association.