“Go F*** Yourself, San Diego.”

By Kurt Hunzeker (with some copy points provided by the movie Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy)

“Good evening. I'm Ron Burgundy and here's what happening in your world tonight.”

And thus starts the second installment of “If I Was In Charge” of a professional sports team. Today, I introduce to you: “Anchorman Night at the Ballpark.”

The second Sparts Marketing Blography post suggested that the Albuquerque Isotopes should have held a “Runaway Bride Night at the Ballpark” following the misadventures of a fleet-footed, would-be Atlanta-area bride. After some good-natured feedback, that one post will now be the founding father of the IIWIC segment.

Now as some can see, the Sparts Marketing Blography enjoys a good movie now and then. The fact that Tom Cruise’s movies (Jerry McGuire and Top Gun) have been used twice should not convey any message other than those will be the only two Tom Cruise movies ever mentioned here. No, the better trend to pick up is the utterly stupid movies that usher in quotes perfect for any situation…even when you are talking about sports marketing.

And next to Caddyshack, the best quotable movie in recent years is clearly Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy.

“Ladies and gentlemen, can I please have your attention. I've just been handed an urgent and horrifying news story. I need all of you, to stop what you're doing and listen. Cannonball!”

Here’s how “Anchorman Night” will work at the ballpark:

1) Scrap your regular play-by-play announcer and the public address announcer. Each inning, bring in winners for local promotional contests (either through the team or via a sponsor) to handle each broadcasting job. The winners must be dressed in Ron Burgundy-style clothing (or like Wes Mantooth, Champ Kind, Brian Fontana, etc.). A team representative would have to be in the booth with them and make abundantly clear that absolutely no cussing, crude language, etc. is allowed. Remember, this is a family atmosphere.

2) Admit anyone dressed like a character from Anchorman or even someone who looks like Tom Brokaw, Stone Phillips, Jon Stewart, etc. for free to that game.

3) Invite your local television anchors to the game and have them all throw out a simultaneous first pitch. You can also pair the anchors with the contest winners to do a half-inning.

4) Show Anchorman clips in between innings.

5) Wear burgundy-colored caps that game and auction them off for charity after the game on your web site.

6) Invite any dogs that can speak Spanish to enjoy the game from the grassy knolls behind the outfield. Bears are not invited.

7) Sign any Scotch whisky company to sponsor a post-game celebration at a local bar or restaurant. Or, sign any Scotch tape company to sponsor the game or a segment of the game.

8) If your team is in San Diego, this should be a permanent promotion year-in and year-out.

“I don't know how to put this but I'm kind of a big deal.”

The ultimate coup would be to bring in one of the actors from the movie to be the master of ceremonies. This would most likely only work for a large-market team, but you never know…Fred Willard may be available.

(And this is no slight against Fred Willard…the man is a comic genius. Behind Will Ferrell, he’d be my next choice to come out.)

Since I like the movie so much, and waited patiently to unleash its quotes to you, the next two (possibly three) columns will all have Anchorman references.

Until then….

“You stay classy, San Diego. I'm Ron Burgundy?”